Posted by justhere on 2015/02/28 under Uncategorized Its becoming less of a reason to live and more of a reason to tolerate life. I swear everyone is so hypocritical and I’m so close to giving up what strength I have left. Everyone can say, “You’re to young to know what stress is.” but they’re not me and I am only using the word stress to avoid using the word depressed. I am a cutter. I have no reason to, not big reasons at least, but its the little things I try to hold back all my life making small things feel like boulders. I don’t cut physically, but I snap rubber bands to my wrists and I draw all over my hand and arm. My mom doesn’t like it when I draw on myself but I only tell her “Ok.” because I don’t want to come out and say, “Would you rather have me draw on myself or have me cut myself.” I would know that answer. I don’t want to go to counseling, I’m scared to. They call it a safe place to speak but I want to be unknown. I keep telling myself that I just want to disappear, to be the face people remember with no name attached, to be the name that sounds familiar but you don’t know why. The only reason I want to be that person is because I don’t want to be remembered for doing something wrong. I’m enough of a freak as is. I know my family loves me but the past haunts me and the future threatens me. The present is any better, its the tightrope I’m walking on and I feel as if everyone is watching. I want help, but I don’t want people to know that I am so close to my breaking point. I want to hit myself for the sole reason I know I have it better then a lot of other people but I still mope around about my own first world problems. I’m selfish aren’t I? Just some attention whore. I was bullied. And I feel like if I show weakness I’ll be bullied again too. I don’t want to be normal, if there even is one anymore. I want to be me. Not the mask I’m constantly shielding myself under, but the real me. And its funny, right about time I feel like I’m being myself I turn around and get in trouble for it forcing me back into what ever little shell of a person I am. I’m doing what I always do when I let it all out, typing. Only I always delete it because I’m scared to know what people think. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to show how worn down I am even though people probably think I’m some cheerful outcast. I just want someone to be similar to me. Where they have no real reason, and still stay strong even when its crashing around them like they’re stuck at the end of the world with a smile on their face. I feel like I’m in some typhoon of misfortune and when I see the light of day I get sucked right back into its never ending cycle. Well here goes nothing I might as well get it out there. This…. helped.
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Remember you aren’t alone in this. The shell of a person we tend to mask ourselves is only to protect who we really are.. it isn’t such a bad thing. I think of it as a superpower. You see, my family knows one side to me. The so called “Tori” they named me to be. But I’m much more. I have plenty to say yet I keep all of it inside because I know my opinions are completely different from my family’s so why bother opening my mouth right? They didn’t seem to like it much when I voiced it anyway. SO.. I find some people that I can be a little more myself around. But you’ll be surprised as to who will really except you when you open and speak first for once. Other people are waiting to be noticed too.. Waiting to be excepted too.. So I think if you see someone and you feel like its safe to say a simple “hey.” Then maybe the random kindness can help in a matter of crisis WHEN YOU REALLY NEED A FRIEND. It’s not scary all the time. Just build up a little more courage each time until you see some friendly faces. Oh and don’t dare let someone bully you! Get a loud mouth to help you out and to show how bullying is just a lack of self confidence and shows how much they must really care enough about your life to try and break it down. You must be really important to them if it keeps continuing. Trust me public humiliation would do some good if you get the right adult to help you out in ending it properly. If you made sure everyone knew that this person was bullying you I’m sure it would embarrass them and who knows you could gain some pretty cool friends who wanna help you out. And you never know that bully could be hiding something in their own life. Bullies are made, not born. So i’m sure they could be going through just as much as you; and maybe they could receive the help they need by you telling everyone on them. Just food for thought..